We take things personally, a lot. As in, more often than not. And the advice to “stop taking things so personally” doesn’t exactly fix things… because then it will be taken personally that we take things personally. ugh. This is something that is more than skin deep. Some real work needs to happen and it likely won’t happen overnight, so listen up.
Let’s be real, whether you are dating, engaged, or married inevitably there are times where you might take something a little out of context and feel like the thing your boo said, or did, felt like a dart aimed right at your heart. Why does it hurt and how can we stop taking things so dang personally??
It hurts because you’ve mistaken who the comment or action is really about. You think it’s all about you.
Here’s the what you need to understand:
It’s not about you.
Another important fact to remember:
It’s not about you.
Here’s the TRUTH:
What anyone says, or does, is directly related the feeling, outlook, and thoughts they have about the past, not about you. What people say about you is a refection of them, not you.
So where do those thoughts or actions come from, if they are not about you? Why do they hurt us?
Thoughts or feelings come from past experiences. Think about something you have either a positive or negative association. Then, think about WHY you have that association and how you go about expressing your thoughts or feelings. It’s because of a past experience. All a person is ever doing when they is expressing their feelings about something that previously happen, not you specifically.
While it’s easy to assume one’s thoughts and feelings are an indication of your actions being good or bad, you must stop the madness. In these scenarios, it’s important both parties need to be aware of themselves. It is not healthy to let yourself think that everything your significant other does is an indication of whether you are a good or bad of a person. Likewise, it’s important for the other person to be aware of how their actions or words could affect their significant other. We all simply need to learn to be more kind to one another.
The only way you’ll ever be able to safeguard yourself from these kinds of feelings to do these two things:
1. Always fill up. Fill yourself up with with so much courage, confidence and self love that no matter what anybody said to you, you are so incredibly full of love and strength that it cannot possibly affect you.
2. Always step outside. When you feel even the slightest bit of doubt, or a possible jab, immediately step outside of the situation and outside of your feelings. Think about all the possibilities of why, or how, someone could feel or act a certain way. Give them the benefit of the doubt that it had nothing to do with you. Step into their world to understand what they may be thinking or feeling (outside of anything to do with you). It feels sooooo much better.
Whether you’re feeling upset your girlfriend or wife didn’t want to have sex last night or upset because your husband or boyfriend didn’t eat what you made for dinner, it’s not about you. When things like this do happen, I want you to immediately take a step outside the situation and think of all the possibilities of why something did or did not happen, which do not relate to you. Maybe they had a rough day at work, they’re stressed, they’re tired and that’s why they don’t feel like ‘getting it on’. Maybe they had a huge lunch, are conscious of how much their eating, don’t feel very well, have no appetite, etc. After asking yourself what the other possibilities which created this situation, ask yourself this “did I take time to fill up today? Did I fill up with all the things that make me feel so great that even the slightest thing couldn’t phase me?” The best part is, when you are filled up, that courage, confidence and zest for life is incredibly attractive to both men and woman. Step up.
The best part is, when you stop focusing on yourself and take a second to look at all the possibilities of how something (unexpected) could happen, it provides a sense of hope that there is something you can do to possibly fix it because after all you are awesome!
It’s not about you!
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- 8 Reasons You Might Still Be Single (psychologytoday.com)
- Why It’s Okay To Feel Lost In The World Of Relationships (elitedaily.com)