Does my boyfriend mean what he says?
Yes, he does. But, (there’s a huge but…) have you ever heard this conversation:
“He gave me a toothbrush to keep at his house”
“He gave you a toothbrush? You have a toothbrush at his house?! Omigosh that definitely means he likes you. This is totally getting serious!!!”
STOP THE CHAOS!! Clearly this is a conversation between two women (read: gatherers) gathering all sorts of clues and information about her crush/suitor/partner/boyfriend. Men go ahead… laugh it up. This is what we do. In all seriousness, both parties should be grabbing a pen and paper right now, so we can stop the madness and end (a lot of) the confusion.
Though my example talks about a toothbrush, confusion comes in worse forms:
“He said his mom and I would have a lot of fun at the Street Fair together.” A woman thinks he wants her to meet his mom. Wrong.
“He said we’d make really cute kids”. A woman think he wants to have kids with her. Wrong.
Now do I have your attention? Ladies, you’ve probably heard something along those lines and it sounded exciting at first didn’t it? Men, you’ve probably said that a time or two as well. Yes, we know even Captain Obvious would agree with you based on simple observations and genetics. We are simply speaking two different languages here.
There are two very important points I want to explain here: words of possibility and words of promise.
You see woman, being gatherers by nature, are always picking up clues:
Does he like me?
Does he want to keep me?
Is our relationship progressing and moving forward?
So while something as little as a toothbrush, to a man, may mean “here’s a toothbrush so you have fresh breath when we make out next”. To a woman, we often perceive that as an indication that you like us and will be having us back, again and again, as you make just a little bit of room for us in your home even if it’s just a little ol’ toothbrush.
Do you see the disconnect?
Let’s try another one.
“You love the Street Fair? So does my mom, you two would have a lot of fun there”
Ouch. That one probably stings a bit, especially if you’re a woman who has heard that one before and he ended things before you even met mom. As we sob and vent to our girlfriends about how confused you are by him talking about your future and then ending it out of nowhere, we must understand one thing VERY clearly…
See Also: How Men & Women Decide
Men speak in POSSIBILITY.
Women listen in PROMISE.
What does this mean?
Note that while IN THAT MOMENT he may mean what he says, it’s simply a possibility. It’s a possibility that he wants you to come back again to his place again and your toothbrush will still be there. It’s a possibility that you met his mom, but only if you are at the same street fair at the same exact time and place. It’s a possibility that you have adorable kids, but that doesn’t mean that he wants them… with you. It’s all just a possibility. Oh, the possibilities… I’m sorry, it sucks. I know. While we are looking, collecting, embracing all these little signs, sadly we misread them as promises because that’s how we listen and speak in our relationships.
Note that when you speak to a women, you must only say things to her which 200% know will happen, you want to happen and you will make happen from the very bottom of your heart to the tip tops of the stars. If you didn’t understand by now, why women get upset with you because you never introduced them to your parents (and even “had the nerve to mentioned having kids”) when you were not even ready for a relationship, I hope you do now. We adore your imagination and the endless possibilities, but it’s not our native tongue.
Hope that clarifies things. Ladies, unless he sets a date, time, place, it’s not happening. Men, unless you’re 200% committed to making what you say come true, bit your tongue.
Men Speak in Possibility. Men listen in Possibility.
Women Listen in Promise. Women Speak in Promise.